I believe 2025 is really the year where I make a lot of meaningful decisions, most of them being small changes in my life yet carry a much bigger impact to my mental wellbeing. For one, I already ditched this blog more than two years ago and moved to Wordpress, but due to several circumstances that I will elaborate later, I decided to return here. Perhaps I should call it a new start, since I did change my blog name from mermaird to withinmyheart now.
Regret
I am not the type of person to wallow too long in regrets; I find it exhausting and my mother taught me to let go of things that have already passed. However, no matter how hard I try, some things were just too regrettable for me to be able to move on as I normally did. Exhibit A: leaving this blog behind.
I used to think whoever owned a Wordpress blog to be the cool kids and I wanted to be one of them too, so some time two years ago, I created one and even paid for a domain name. That worked well―if by well, it meant writing 2 blog posts in the span of 2 years. Yup, that was the extent of how enthusiastic I was to own a Wordpress. I soon learned that I am rather a fool with technology and modern features/plugins/stuff, so I could not find it in me to enjoy blogging on Wordpress. It was too complicated for me, and I hated the interface enough to stop writing blogs entirely for almost 3 whole years now. The fact that I have to purchase a domain and pay more if I want to make my blog page pretty added more fuel to the hatred. It overwhelmed me, and though I had kept silent about it all these while, I know it was time to move on and move back here.
Wordpress is still the cool kids place for me, but I do not think I fit in there.
Somewhere in the middle of this year, I also found out that I no longer resonate with the name mermaird. It was really quite a punch in the gut because I had been using the name for almost a decade, and had so much memories with it. But no matter how much I loved it, the name started to become suffocating and overwhelming, and it caged me in a position where I could not try new experiences. Shocking and rather dramatic, eh? That was just how it felt, so after discussing with some close friends of mine, I decided to create and entirely new account on Instagram with the name withinmaigaze. I started anew with my book reviews and added journaling contents too. It felt freeing, but I still had a seed of regret in me.
Was I too rash? Did I make the right decision, starting anew after all my efforts and memories with mermaird? Will this new account be of a worse state than―my head just had too many questions. And that was when I realised that if I want to start fresh, I will need to properly do so. That means I will be ridding of the name mermaird entirely from all my social media presence.
Relief
Although I did say I had regrets leaving my bookstagram handle, @mermaird, behind, another part of me felt true relief. It was like getting rid of something annoying that was stuck on you for too long. As much as I had grown with that name, I have no outgrown it. I mean, no matter how obsessed I am with mermaids, for someone who cannot even swim for her dear life, I do not think I am meant to be with that name for the rest of my life. As for why I chose the name withinmaigaze, I already explained that on my Instagram account:
I did feel relief once I am no longer posting under my old name. After some time, I started to think that perhaps I can start anew on other places too like my blog and Youtube account that I have left rotting for too long. And so, it came to today's agenda: rebranding this brand to withinmaiheart. I changed the word 'gaze' to 'heart' because my blog is mostly about pouring my heart into it.
Second Chance
Sometimes, telling myself to 'start anew' can feel overwhelming, so this time, I tell myself that I am giving myself a second chance. A second chance on finding my passion for creativity and writing again. For the past three years of my life, I think I had been lost, not doing the very thing that was a huge part of me growing up. Today, I will start writing again. I have no idea if I will commit to it, because motivations are so hard to get these days with work overloading my life, but I am willing to try my best. If I failed at this attempt at second chance, I believe it is not wrong for me to keep giving myself more chances in the future.
I just wanted to share this post that a good friend of mine shared, and the words resonated so well in me that I want nothing more than to start trying again. Trying again and again until I find myself again. Until I love myself fully again.
sangwon’s ig story translation
— moni 𐙚 (@wondeul) October 8, 2025
i want to hold on to the things and people i love for a long time.
even the hardships that might come someday, i want to keep them close too.
and i want to live as myself.
i want to look at every moment with sincerity and a fresh heart, and keep… pic.twitter.com/agpZxmapXe
Well, this post had me mostly just rambling, but I have been wanting to let these thoughts out for so long. I think my heart feels much lighter now.
Here's to trying my best ⋆˙⟡
(I will be changing my Youtube handle too soon, so stay tuned!)
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Till next time ♡ Love, Aishah Humaira'
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